extremely qualified ambassador of earth

[bitterchill]

Vancouver, being Vancouver, lacks a vibrant night life, or for that matter a dingy one. Take this alleyway, for instance. Completely empty. Where are the muggers? Where are the filthy strays? New York clicks its counterfactual tongue in grimy disapproval.

That said: the alleyway is empty. It would be a shame if something... happened to it.

Comments

[bitterchill]

"You know, I think that's not an uncommon opinion to have about this world."

They arrive at the Vietnamese restaurant, which is miraculously open at 2am. A table is procured.

"These guys like me because I exorcised their kitchen that one time," Ari says conversationally. "Some vengeful ghost from the motherland followed one of the cooks over and kept murdering the dishwashers."

[erinflight]

"How do you murder a dishwasher?" Alex slumps down into the chair and picks up the menu, "Anything particularly good?"

[bitterchill]

"Oh, not the machine, I meant the kids who were washing the dishes. Though I think she stabbed the machine a couple of times too. And I know bánh mì is a cliché, but it really is worth it here. And the shrimp spring rolls are just great."

[erinflight]

"Sounds good to me. Do you have any idea why I'm stuck here?"

[bitterchill]

"Nothing solid, but... it might have something to do with the forces that keep the Outsiders, well, Outside. There's a ton of stuff hedging them out, and it's possible you just sort of got caught on the other side of the fence?"

[erinflight]

"What are the outsiders?"

[bitterchill]

"Oof. Outsiders are... bad news. They're like these weird, physics-defying monsters that lurk outside reality and really, really want to destroy everything. So, understandably, there's a lot of defenses designed to keep them away from things we don't want ripped to tiny pieces. But something might have gotten kind of overzealous and kept you in instead. Which, I mean, all things considered it's a lot better than reality being destroyed, but kinda sucks."

[between_worlds]

"At least it didn't send me to the Outsiders. But you know, this might not be so bad."

Alex rests his chin on his hand, "I sort of stormed out on my boss and I wasn't going anywhere in particular when your world grabbed me."

[bitterchill]

"Ah, that's no fun. S'why I've never really been one for jobs."

[between_worlds]

"How do you eat?"

[bitterchill]

"I kill monsters on a freelance basis and mooch off my disgustingly rich friend is how. Works out quite nicely."

[between_worlds]

Alex grins, "I have a lot of money saved, but none of it's here. And you do not want to see me fight. You'd fall over laughing and then we'd both get eaten."

[bitterchill]

"Ah, nothing wrong with that. Sally can't fight for shit either, that's why she has an artillery emplacement enchanted into her face. Now she just looks at things and they explode!"

[between_worlds]

"Seriously?" Alex laughs, "I'm not sure if that's awesome or terrifying, probably both."

[bitterchill]

"You should see her in a fight, it's gruesome. And her holdout is this little thing that just disintegrates somebody. Brutal. And then there's the Bloodletter, but I don't think she uses that one anymore, she didn't like getting soaked with blood all the time. Understandably. I should see if she'd pass it on to me..."

[between_worlds]

"So any job opportunities here for someone who can't disintegrate people?"
Alex sighs, "This is going to be fun. What even are my skills? I haven't had to look for a job for almost a thousand years."

[bitterchill]

"Well, you're pretty and immortal. So that's two skills."

[between_worlds]

Alex takes in a startled breathe, then meets Ari's eyes and grins.
"Thank you."

[bitterchill]

Ari nods cheerfully. "The range of jobs requiring 'pretty and immortal' isn't that wide, though. I mean, Faerie Queen's nice work if you can get it, but the rest of the field is a bit unpleasant. So... maybe I can call in a favor and get you an office job somewhere? I mean, you've got a millennium's workplace experience. Ooh, or you could work a desk job for the Mafia, that I can definitely do."

[between_worlds]

"Working for the faerie queen or becoming a faerie queen?"

[bitterchill]

"Well, I was talking about the latter. As a joke, like. The former would be one of the unpleasant options. Really, really unpleasant. I recommend not going anywhere near the Faerie Queens."

[between_worlds]

"That's too bad, I would have been a fantastic queen." Alex says in a mock serious tone, "What can they do?"

[bitterchill]

"Depends which one. The Queens to Come, or the Ladies, aren't earth-shatteringly powerful. I suspect - not certain, mind, but I suspect - that Sally and I, working with a few friends on our level, could kill one. But that says a lot more about us than them; they're still bad news. The Queens that Are - called just the Queens, confusingly enough - are terrifying. I've been told that if they don't control their emotions all the way, they could literally kill a mortal with the wrong tone of voice. And the Queens that Were, the Mothers, have... I think it's safe to say arbitrary levels of power. They can do anything."

He leans in conspiratorially. "What makes it fair, of course, is that the more power they have, the less they can use. The Ladies are practically mortal; they can't just do whatever they like, but they don't have to act through intermediaries to get anything done. The Queens have to work through others, most of the time, because most of their power can only be used under very special circumstances. And the Mothers live quite literally in the middle of nowhere and, as far as anyone can tell, have done nothing in the past century and a half."

[between_worlds]

"I probably shouldn't piss them off then. I'm literally immortal so that could come in handy, but a desk job would be hellish. Do you think I could learn any magic?"

[bitterchill]

"Don't bank on your immortality too much. It's definitely a plus, but I'm imagining someone ripping out your soul and putting it into a box or something, and it doesn't seem like that'd be fun. And people without magic can't learn it, except when they can. But those cases are rare, and the ones that we could actually accomplish are awful and involve stuff like eating people's hearts or putting a demon in your head. So, no."